When someone loses a loved one, finding the right words becomes incredibly difficult. Most people default to “my condolences” because it feels safe and expected.
“My condolences” sounds formal and creates distance between you and the person who’s hurting. It’s the phrase people use when they don’t know what else to say, but it lacks the warmth and connection that grieving people actually need.
Grief calls for genuine words that show real care and understanding. People who are suffering deserve responses that come from the heart, not from a template that everyone else uses.
What to Say Instead of “My Condolences”
These alternatives will help you express genuine care while giving your grieving friend or family member something they can actually hold onto during their darkest moments.
1. “I’m holding you close in my thoughts.”
This phrase wraps someone in emotional warmth without making promises you can’t keep. When you tell someone you’re holding them close in your thoughts, you’re painting a picture of care that feels almost physical. Your grieving friend can actually visualize being supported, even when you’re not physically present.
The beauty of this expression lies in its ongoing nature. Unlike “my condolences,” which feels like a one-time statement, holding someone close suggests continuity. You’re not just acknowledging their loss once and moving on—you’re committed to carrying them with you mentally as they process their grief.
2. “Your [relationship] was so lucky to have you.”
Sometimes, the most powerful thing you can do is redirect focus back to the love that existed. This phrase accomplishes something remarkable—it honors both the person who died and the person who’s grieving. You’re essentially saying, “Look at what beautiful love you created together.”
When someone loses their mom, telling them “Your mom was so lucky to have you as a daughter” reminds them that their relationship was special, that they brought joy to someone’s life. This perspective can be incredibly healing during those dark moments when grief makes everything feel pointless.
3. “I can see how much they meant to you.”
Recognition is healing. This simple statement does something profound—it validates the depth of their loss without trying to minimize or fix it. You’re bearing witness to their pain, which is often exactly what grieving people need most.
Instead of rushing to comfort or offer solutions, you’re simply observing and honoring the magnitude of their love. This acknowledgment can feel like the first honest thing someone has said to them since their loss occurred.
4. “Tell me your favorite memory of the.m”
Here’s where you shift from talking at someone to talking with someone. This invitation opens a door for your grieving friend to share something precious rather than just absorb sympathy. You’re giving them permission to light up while talking about someone they loved.
Most people avoid asking questions like this because they worry about making the person sad. But here’s what’s beautiful about grief—talking about happy memories often brings moments of joy even in the midst of sorrow. You’re offering them a chance to smile while honoring their loss.
5. “They raised an incredible person.”
When someone loses a parent, this phrase hits differently than generic sympathy. You’re drawing a direct line between the person who died and the wonderful human standing in front of you. It’s like saying their parents’ love lives on in visible, tangible ways.
This works especially well because it’s both a compliment to the grieving person and a tribute to the deceased. You’re highlighting the lasting impact of their parents’ love, which can provide comfort during those moments when grief feels endless and purposeless.
6. “I’m bringing dinner Thursday—what time works for you?”
Action beats platitudes every single time. Instead of offering vague help (“let me know if you need anything”), you’re making a specific, concrete offer. You’ve already decided what you’re doing; you just need to coordinate timing.
This approach removes the burden from your grieving friend. They don’t have to figure out what they need or feel guilty about asking for help. You’re simply showing up with nourishment, which is exactly what overwhelmed, grief-stricken people require but can’t always request.
7. “I love how you always talk about them with such joy.”
This observation celebrates something beautiful about your friend’s grieving process. You’re noticing and honoring how they choose to remember their loved one. It’s a way of saying their approach to grief is healthy and admirable.
Many people worry about talking about their deceased loved ones too much or being too emotional. Your comment reassures them that their love is beautiful to witness, not burdensome or inappropriate.
8. “They were so proud of you—I could see it every time they mentioned your name”
Specific memories pack more emotional power than general statements. When you recall how the deceased person’s face would light up when talking about their loved one, you’re offering a gift. You’re giving them a piece of their relationship they might not have fully appreciated before.
This phrase works particularly well if you actually witnessed those moments of pride. Maybe their dad’s eyes crinkled when he bragged about their promotion, or their spouse always smiled, telling stories about their adventures together. These details become precious treasures during grief.
9. “Your strength through this has been remarkable.”
Grieving people often feel weak, broken, or like they’re falling apart. Acknowledging their strength—even in vulnerability—can be incredibly affirming. You’re recognizing that getting through each day while carrying such heavy sadness actually requires tremendous courage.
This isn’t about toxic positivity or pretending grief should look strong. It’s about recognizing that continuing to breathe, to care for themselves and others, to function at all while heartbroken, demonstrates real resilience.
10. “I keep thinking about [specific memory]”
Share something concrete. Maybe you remember how their mom always had homemade cookies ready when you visited, or how their partner told the funniest stories at dinner parties. These specific recollections prove that their loved one made a real impact on others.
When you share these memories, you’re essentially saying, “Your person mattered to me too.” This can be profoundly comforting because it confirms that their loved one’s influence extended beyond just their immediate family.
11. “How are you sleeping? How’s your appetite?”
Practical concern shows deep care. While everyone asks “How are you doing?” (which is impossible to answer honestly), asking about sleep and appetite demonstrates that you understand grief affects everything. You’re checking on their basic human needs.
These questions also open the door for specific help. If they’re not sleeping well, maybe you can suggest gentle solutions. If they’re not eating, perhaps you can bring easy, nourishing food. You’re treating them like a whole person, not just a grief case.
12. “I’m lighting a candle for them tonight.”
Ritual and ceremony provide comfort during loss. When you tell someone you’re lighting a candle for their loved one, you’re creating a moment of honor that exists beyond your conversation. There’s something deeply soothing about knowing someone else will pause their evening to remember.
This phrase works regardless of religious beliefs because it’s about intention and remembrance rather than specific spiritual practices. The image of candlelight creates warmth and peace, which is exactly what grieving hearts need.
13. “They taught you well—I can see their wisdom in how you handle challenges”
This observation draws connecting lines between past love and present strength. You’re pointing out how their loved ones’ influence continues to guide them, even now. It’s a way of saying their relationship transcends death.
When someone’s questioning everything about life after loss, hearing that their loved one’s teachings still shine through their actions can be incredibly grounding. You’re helping them see continuity where grief makes everything feel disrupted.
14. “What’s been the hardest part of today?”
Sometimes the most caring thing you can do is get specific about pain. This question acknowledges that grief isn’t a constant state—it has peaks and valleys, particularly brutal moments. You’re inviting them to share what’s really happening right now.
This approach feels more honest than broad questions about how they’re coping overall. It opens space for them to talk about the little things that are surprisingly difficult, like making coffee for one instead of two, or hearing a song that was meaningful to them both.
15. “I’m going to the grocery store—text me your list”
Here’s another action-based offer that removes the decision-making burden from your grieving friend. You’re not asking if they need groceries or waiting for them to figure out what to request. You’re assuming they probably do need supplies and making it easy to accept help.
This approach works because grocery shopping often becomes overwhelming during grief. Simple decisions feel impossible, and the thought of being around other people can feel exhausting. You’re removing both the mental load and the social energy requirement.
16. “They always made me feel so welcome—that gift runs in your family”
When you connect positive traits from the deceased to the person who’s grieving, you’re creating bridges between past and present. You’re showing them that their loved one’s best qualities live on in them, which provides both comfort and purpose.
This type of observation helps grieving people understand that their loved one’s impact wasn’t limited to the relationship they shared. Their warmth, kindness, humor, or wisdom touched other lives too, and continues to do so through family members who carry those same traits.
17. “I’m taking a walk in their memory tomorrow—want to join me?”
Physical movement can be incredibly healing during grief, but motivation often disappears entirely. By suggesting a specific activity dedicated to their loved one’s memory, you’re offering both companionship and gentle exercise wrapped in honor.
Walking also provides the perfect environment for sharing memories or simply processing emotions together. There’s something about moving forward physically that can help people move through their grief emotionally, even if just for an hour.
18. “Your love story gives me hope.”
For those who’ve lost romantic partners, this phrase acknowledges something beautiful about their relationship. You’re not saying their loss is somehow worth it or part of a plan—you’re simply honoring that witnessing their love made you believe more deeply in connection.
This statement works because it celebrates what existed rather than trying to find silver linings in what’s been lost. You’re saying their relationship was so beautiful that it actually changed your perspective on love, which is a powerful tribute.
19. “I’m keeping Tuesday evening open in case you need company.”
Offering specific availability removes pressure while providing genuine support. You’re not saying “call me anytime” (which often goes unused because people don’t want to bother others). Instead, you’re setting aside designated time that’s theirs if they want it.
This approach gives your grieving friend permission to reach out without feeling like they’re imposing on your schedule. You’ve already decided to be available, so they’re not asking for anything—they’re simply accepting what you’ve offered.
20. “Thank you for sharing them with all of us.”
This final phrase reframes their loved one’s relationships as gifts. Instead of focusing on what’s been lost, you’re expressing gratitude for what was shared. You’re acknowledging that opening their heart to love someone always involves the risk of loss, and you appreciate that they took that risk.
When someone shares their person with friends, family, and community, they’re allowing others to be touched by that love, too. Thanking them for this generosity recognizes the courage it takes to love openly, knowing that deeper love means deeper grief when loss comes.
Wrapping Up
Your words during someone’s darkest hour don’t have to be perfect—they just have to be real.
When you move beyond “my condolences” and speak from your actual heart, you give grieving people something they can hold onto: the knowledge that their loved one mattered, their pain is seen, and their healing is supported by people who genuinely care.
The next time you’re facing that moment of not knowing what to say, choose connection over convention. Your authentic care will always mean more than the most eloquent formal phrases.