Are you considering taking your relationship to the next level with your significant other?
Before you make that big commitment, there are some crucial questions you need to ask to ensure you’re both on the same page.
Asking the right questions early on can save you a lot of heartache down the road.
In this ultimate guide, we’ll cover:
- Questions about core values and life goals
- How to tactfully broach sensitive topics
- Analyzing your partner’s responses
- Moving forward based on what you learn
Vital Questions to Ask a Potential Partner
By the end of this article, you’ll be equipped with 10 vital questions that will give you deep insight into your compatibility as a couple.
Let’s dive in, shall we?
What are your long-term goals and aspirations?
One of the most fundamental things to know about your potential life partner is where they see themselves in 5, 10, or 20 years. You could ask something like, “I’ve been thinking a lot about the future lately. What are some of your biggest dreams and aspirations?” Listen closely to their response.
Do they have a clear vision for their life? Are they ambitious and driven to achieve big things? Or do they seem content with the status quo and lack motivation? There’s no right or wrong answer, but you need to make sure your goals align.
If you dream of traveling the world, starting a business, and retiring early, but your partner just wants a simple life in your hometown, that’s a major disconnect. On the flip side, if you both aspire to high-powered careers, can you handle the lifestyle that comes with that? Have an honest conversation about how you envision your shared future.
What’s your relationship like with your family?
Family dynamics can tell you a lot about a person. Ask your partner to describe their relationships with parents and siblings. You might say something like, “Tell me about your family. What was it like growing up in your household?”
If your partner has warm, loving relationships with family, that’s a good sign they likely value family highly and know how to maintain close bonds. However, if they’re estranged from family or have a lot of unresolved conflicts, that can be a red flag. It doesn’t mean you should end things, but you’ll want to find out more about the situation.
Ask follow-up questions to understand what role family plays in their life now. Are they very close-knit and expect to see family multiple times a week? Or are they more independent? Consider how their family relationships might impact your relationship and future family.
What does spirituality/religion mean to you?
For many people, faith is a core part of their identity. That’s why it’s crucial to understand your partner’s beliefs early on. Broach the topic gently, perhaps saying something like, “I know spirituality can be a sensitive topic, but I’m curious what role, if any, religion plays in your life. Would you be open to sharing your perspective with me?”
If you practice different faiths, don’t shy away from discussing how you would handle that as a couple. Would one of you be willing to convert or would you plan to maintain separate religious identities? If you want to raise children, how would you approach their religious upbringing?
Even if you’re both atheists or agnostic, spirituality can encompass your philosophy of life, values, and how you find meaning. Make sure you see eye to eye on the big existential questions and have a compatible worldview. If one of you needs religion to be central to family life, while the other is opposed to it, that fundamental difference in values and lifestyle will be very difficult to reconcile.
How do you handle conflict and disagreements?
Every relationship has its fair share of fights and friction. What matters is how you deal with those inevitable rough patches. Ask your partner something like, “No couple is perfect and I know we’ll face conflicts sometimes. How do you typically handle disagreements in a relationship?”
Do they believe in tackling issues head-on, or is their instinct to avoid and retreat? Do they lash out in anger or know how to keep their cool? Are they willing to own up to their mistakes and apologize? You need a partner who can maturely and respectfully work through problems with you.
If your partner says they never fight with anyone, that could mean they’re conflict-avoidant to an unhealthy degree. But if they say all their past relationships were toxic and fraught with constant battling, that suggests they don’t know how to handle normal relationship challenges. Ideally, they’ll express a balanced approach – acknowledging conflicts happen, but they try to assume the best intentions and find solutions together.
What are your views on finances and money?
Money is one of the biggest sources of stress for couples. Head off future financial arguments by getting on the same page about spending and saving habits now. You might say, “I’ve been meaning to ask – what’s your general approach to finances? Are you more of a saver or a spender?”
Beyond that, ask about their financial goals. Do they believe in living frugally to retire early, or do they prefer enjoying money in the moment? Are they a fan of budgets or do they adopt more of an “easy come, easy go” philosophy? Do they think couples should combine finances or keep things separate?
There’s a wide spectrum of acceptable attitudes about money. What’s important is that your values are not wildly mismatched. If you’re a compulsive saver and your partner is a shopaholic, that’s going to breed a lot of resentment. However, a little difference can be good – like attracts like but it also takes two to balance.
What’s your love language? How do you express and feel love?
We all give and receive love differently. Knowing your partner’s love language is like getting the key to their heart. Some people feel most loved through physical touch, others through quality time or words of affirmation or acts of service or receiving gifts. Ask your partner, “How do you most like to express love and how do you feel most loved by others? If you had to rank the love languages, what order would you put them in?”
Pay attention to how your love languages align or differ. If physical touch tops your list but it’s last on theirs, you may feel neglected while they feel smothered. If you love showering your partner with compliments but they prefer quiet acts of service, you both need to learn to show love in the way the other best receives it.
Also observe how your partner expresses fondness and affection daily. Do they verbalize their feelings for you often? Surprise you with little gifts? Go out of their way to help you? If their actions don’t match their words, you may need to lovingly tell them what you need to feel secure and cherished in the relationship. But if you have completely different love languages, it can lead to both of you feeling chronically unfulfilled and unappreciated.
What are your expectations around sex and intimacy?
Sex can be an awkward topic to discuss, but it plays a huge role in relationship satisfaction. As you start having these conversations, you could say something like, “I know sex can sometimes be uncomfortable to talk about, but I think it’s important for us to discuss our needs and expectations openly and honestly. What are your general views on physical intimacy in a relationship?”
Find out if you’re sexually compatible. How often does your partner expect or need sex? What are their views on experimentation versus routine? What are their turn-ons and turnoffs? Do they see sex as a way to express love emotionally or more as a means of physical release?
Beyond frequency, ask what sex means to them in the broader context of a relationship. Is it a top priority or lower on their list? Is faithfulness an absolute must or are they open to arrangements like swinging or polyamory? What are their attitudes about porn and masturbation? You may not have identical sexual interests and that’s okay. The key is being able to meet each other’s needs and feeling safe and respected in your intimate life together.
Where do you see yourself living long-term?
If you foresee a shared future with your partner, you need to know if your lifestyle expectations match up, including where you’ll put down roots. Location impacts everything from job opportunities to the cost of living to how you’ll spend your free time. Ask something like, “Have you given much thought to where you’d like to end up long-term? City or suburbs or countryside? A particular part of the country or abroad?”
Depending on their answer, consider how well it aligns with your dreams. If you hate cold weather, could you resign yourself to living somewhere with long, snowy winters if that’s where your partner’s job takes them? If you love the energy and opportunities of big cities, would you feel stifled in a small town where your partner wants to be close to family?
Push yourself to imagine daily life in the setting your partner describes. What would your commute weekends and social circle look like? Of course, you don’t need to have every zip code of your lives mapped out, but location is not something to compromise on lightly. Have an honest conversation about how you’ll arrive at this major life decision as a team.
How do you feel about having kids?
If you see kids in your future, you need to know ASAP if your partner shares that vision. This is truly a dealbreaker issue – you can’t have half a child. Even if you’re both open to kids, there’s a lot more to discuss, like timing, how many, and parenting philosophies. Broach the topic directly but gently, with something like, “I know we’re not quite there yet, but as I’ve been envisioning a future together, I wanted to ask how you feel about potentially having children someday. Is that something you see for yourself?”
If your partner wants kids and you don’t (or vice versa), you should seriously evaluate whether the relationship has a future. However, if you’re both in the “maybe someday” camp, probe a little more. What factors would influence your decision? What’s your mental timeline – in the next few years, or more like a decade?
Beyond yes or no, ask your partner what role they imagine children playing in their life. Do they like the idea of kids in a vague sense, or are they excited to be very hands-on parents? Are they sold on a specific parenting approach? How would they want to divide childcare and household duties? You don’t need to be 100% aligned on every aspect, but you need a shared foundation to even consider building a family together.
How much time apart and together do you need to feel balanced?
Every couple has to negotiate the “right” amount of togetherness and separateness. You’re looking for a partner who wants a similar level of independence and companionship. Ask something like, “In an ideal relationship, what’s the right balance of time spent together versus apart for you? How much solo time do you need to recharge?”
Some couples spend every waking second together, while others maintain largely separate lives. Most fall somewhere in between. What matters is finding your unique sweet spot. If your partner wants to hang out 24/7 and you’re more of an introvert who needs significant alone time, you’ll both end up feeling suffocated or neglected.
This goes beyond the day-to-day, too. How much do you each value and need “me time” to pursue individual hobbies and friendships? Are you looking for a partner who will regularly travel and try new things with you, or someone more of a homebody? Can you socialize in a group or one on one without the other, or do you prefer to be attached at the hip? Make sure your expectations for time together are in sync.
Conclusion
Asking these 10 questions early in a relationship doesn’t guarantee you’ll ride off into the sunset together.
But it does give you invaluable insight into your core compatibility – around values, life goals, and vision for the future.
Having these open and honest conversations sets you up with the best possible foundation as a couple.
Of course, asking is only half the equation. As important as the questions themselves is how you and your partner navigate the discussions.
Approach sensitive subjects with empathy and an open mind.
Listen to each other, seek to understand, and keep judgment in check.
The process of exploring these weighty topics is a pivotal part of determining if you’re right for each other.
Treat it as an opportunity to practice the communication skills that will serve you well in every aspect of your relationship.