You’ve found the person you want to spend the rest of your life with.
Your heart races every time you see them, and you can’t imagine a future without them by your side.
But before you take the leap and pop the question, there are some crucial conversations you need to have with your partner.
These discussions will help ensure you’re both on the same page and ready for the lifelong commitment of marriage.
In this ultimate guide, we’ll explore:
- 10 essential questions to ask before getting engaged
- How to approach these topics with your partner
- What the answers to these questions could mean for your future together
- Tips for navigating difficult conversations and finding common ground
So grab a cup of coffee, sit down with your loved one, and let’s dive in.
Important Questions to Ask Before Getting Engaged
What are your thoughts on having children?
Starting a family is a major decision that will impact the rest of your lives. It’s essential to know where you both stand on this topic before taking the next step in your relationship.
You might say something like, “I know we’ve talked about kids before, but I wanted to check in and see how you’re feeling about starting a family. Is that something you see in our future?”
If your partner says they want children, discuss how many kids you each envision and when you’d ideally like to start trying. If one of you is unsure or doesn’t want kids at all, consider whether that’s a dealbreaker for the other person. Having children is a huge responsibility, and you must be both fully on board.
Even if you agree on having kids, there are other factors to consider. Will one of you stay home with the children while the other works? How will you handle discipline and parenting styles? These are all important conversations to have before walking down the aisle.
How do you handle conflict and communication?
Every couple faces challenges and disagreements at some point. What matters is how you navigate those tough times together.
Try asking, “When we have a disagreement or one of us is upset, how do you think we should handle it? What does healthy communication look like to you?”
If your partner says they prefer to talk things out calmly and openly, that’s a great sign. It means they value honest communication and are willing to work through issues as a team. On the other hand, if they tend to shut down, give the silent treatment, or lash out in anger, that could be a red flag.
Pay attention to how you both communicate during this conversation as well. Are you able to express your thoughts and feelings clearly? Do you feel heard and respected by your partner? Building a strong foundation of healthy communication is key to a lasting marriage.
What are your financial goals and habits?
Money is one of the most common sources of stress and conflict for married couples. Before tying the knot, make sure you understand each other’s financial situations, goals, and attitudes toward money.
You could say, “I think it’s important for us to be on the same page financially before we get engaged. Would you be willing to sit down and talk about our current financial picture and future goals?”
Discuss your individual incomes, debts, savings, and spending habits. Share your long-term financial goals, like buying a house, starting a business, or retiring early. If you have vastly different approaches to money – for example, one of you is a spender and the other is a saver – consider how you’ll find a middle ground.
It’s also wise to talk about how you’ll handle finances once you’re married. Will you combine your bank accounts or keep them separate? Who will be responsible for paying bills and managing investments? Sorting out these details now can prevent a lot of headaches down the road.
What are your career aspirations?
Your careers will play a significant role in shaping your life together. It’s important to know what your partner’s professional goals and dreams are, and how you can support each other in achieving them.
Ask something like, “Where do you see yourself professionally in five or ten years? What are your ultimate career goals, and how can I help you reach them?”
If your partner has ambitious plans that would require a lot of time, travel, or relocation, consider how that would impact your relationship and future family. Are you willing to move to a new city or put your career on hold to support theirs? These sacrifices can breed resentment if you’re not both fully committed.
On the flip side, if your partner seems directionless or unpassionate about their work, that could also cause strain. A lack of motivation or drive in one area of life often bleeds into others. Make sure you’re both actively pursuing careers that fulfill and challenge you.
What role will religion/spirituality play in our lives?
For many couples, faith is a foundational part of their relationship. If you and your partner come from different religious backgrounds or have varying levels of spiritual commitment, it’s crucial to discuss how you’ll navigate those differences.
You might say, “I know faith is really important to you, and I respect that. Can we talk about what role religion will play in our future together? How can we honor both of our beliefs?”
If one of you is devoutly religious and the other is agnostic or atheist, consider whether you can find a middle ground. Will you attend worship services together? How will you handle religious holidays and traditions? If you plan to have children, what faith (if any) will you raise them in?
Even if you share the same religion, you may have different ideas about how to practice it. One of you may want to attend services every week, while the other prefers a more casual approach. Find a way to compromise and support each other’s spiritual needs.
How do you envision dividing household responsibilities?
Running a household takes a lot of work, from cooking and cleaning to laundry and yard work. Make sure you’re on the same page about how you’ll split up these daily tasks and responsibilities.
Try asking, “Once we’re living together, how do you think we should divide up the household chores? What do you think is a fair arrangement?”
If your partner expects you to handle the lion’s share of the housework, even if you both work full-time, that could lead to resentment and burnout. Look for a balanced approach that plays to each of your strengths and availabilities.
Also, discuss your expectations around cleanliness and organization. If you’re a neat freak and your partner is more relaxed about clutter, you’ll need to find a happy medium. The key is open communication, flexibility, and a willingness to pitch in and support each other.
What are your expectations for quality time and personal space?
Every relationship needs a balance of togetherness and independence. Talk to your partner about your needs for quality couple time as well as solo time to pursue your hobbies and friendships.
You could say, “I love spending time with you, but I also value my girls’ nights and yoga classes. How much quality time do you need from me, and how can we make sure we’re both getting enough space for ourselves?”
If your partner expects to spend every waking moment together, that could be a sign of codependency or control issues. Healthy couples encourage each other to maintain their own identities and interests outside of the relationship.
At the same time, if your partner constantly prioritizes their own needs and activities over your relationship, that’s also a problem. Marriage requires making your partner and your life together a top priority. Strike a balance that nurtures your bond while still honoring your individuality.
How will we handle conflicts with extended family?
When you marry someone, you’re also marrying into their family. Difficult in-laws or family drama can put a serious strain on your relationship if you’re not prepared to deal with it as a united front.
Ask your partner, “How close are you with your family, and what role do you see them playing in our future life together? If conflicts come up with your parents or siblings, how will we approach those as a couple?”
If your partner has a troubled relationship with their family, consider how that might impact your marriage. Will you need to set firm boundaries to protect your relationship? Are you willing to limit contact with toxic family members, even if it upsets your partner?
On the other hand, if your partner is extremely close with their family, make sure you’re comfortable with that level of involvement. Discuss how you’ll handle holidays, vacations, and major life decisions as a couple while still respecting the needs and wishes of your extended families.
What are your hopes and fears for the future?
Before you commit to spending your lives together, make sure you have a shared vision for what that life will look like. Open up to each other about your deepest hopes, dreams, and fears for the future.
You might say, “When you imagine our life together in ten, twenty, or fifty years, what do you see? What are your biggest hopes and dreams for our relationship and our family? What worries or scares you when you think about the future?”
If your partner’s long-term vision aligns with yours, that’s a wonderful sign. It means you’re on the same page about the big picture things, like where you’ll live, how you’ll spend your time, and what you’ll prioritize.
But if your dreams for the future are wildly different, that could spell trouble down the road. For example, if you’re hoping to settle down in your hometown and your partner wants to travel the world, you’ll need to find a way to reconcile those competing desires.
Talking openly and honestly about your hopes and fears will help you weather any storms that come your way. When you know what your partner needs to feel happy, safe, and fulfilled, you can support each other through life’s ups and downs.
Are you truly ready for the commitment of marriage?
Finally, the most important question to ask before getting engaged is whether you’re both truly ready for the lifelong commitment of marriage. It’s not just about love – it’s about being prepared to put in the hard work, day after day, to build a strong and lasting partnership.
Look your partner in the eye and ask, “Deep in your heart, do you feel ready to commit to this relationship for the rest of our lives? Are you willing to stick by my side through good times and bad, to grow and change together, and to put our marriage first, always?”
If your partner answers with a resounding yes, and you feel the same way, then congratulations! You’re ready to take the next step and build a beautiful life together.
But if either of you has doubts or hesitations, don’t be afraid to slow things down. Marriage is a huge decision, and there’s no rush. Take the time you need to work through any issues or concerns before putting a ring on it.
The key is to keep talking, keep learning about each other, and keep choosing each other every day. With open communication, mutual respect, and unwavering commitment, you’ll build a love that lasts a lifetime.
Conclusion
Asking these 10 questions before getting engaged will help you and your partner lay a strong foundation for your future marriage.
By discussing your values, goals, and expectations openly and honestly, you’ll be better prepared to weather any challenges that come your way.
Remember, a healthy relationship requires constant communication, compromise, and growth.
Keep having these important conversations throughout your engagement and marriage, and never stop learning about and supporting each other.
With a solid partnership and a shared commitment to making your love last, you’ll be well on your way to a lifetime of happiness together.